All your apps are belong to us.

When last we spoke with the Techno-Geek Nerd Princess, she told us some stuff about her work. That was boring, so we talked again. About love–both the “bow-chicka-chicka-wah-wah” kind and the “awwwwww” kind.

YOUNG LOVE

Al: I think we left off with me about to ask you if your geekiness limited your dating options.

TGNP: Haha, I think so. I never really “dated” much, but when I did, I think it was difficult to find guys who were into the things I was. I actually met my husband on an internet dating site, believe it or not.

Al: You have a son. Does he know that his mom & dad met on the Internet?

TGNP: Heh, not yet. Though he’s definitely going to be a techie kid.

Al: How are you so sure? Are you putting gallium arsenide in his Quisp?

TGNP: I have an iPad, but he has way more apps on it than I do. Most days when I pick him up from school, he’s on the computer there.

Al: Hold on–you let your child use your iPad?

TGNP: Yeah, he’s currently hooked on Dragonvale and Temple Run.

Al: Ah yes, those “free” games that the youngsters enjoy so well.

TGNP: Word to the wise: Turn OFF the app store and YouTube when your kids play with your iPad.

Al: (Child’s name witheld) and I started playing Dragonvale a few days ago. I wish I had had your advice before we started. Those in-app purchases can be a bitch. How old is (child’s name withheld)?

TGNP: He’s 4 and he’s really smart. He’s going to give me trouble if, I’m not careful.

Al: He’s going to give you trouble no matter how careful you are. You’ll come home one day, all your appliances will be in pieces, and he’ll be aiming his interocitor’s death ray at his daycare.

Remember, parents: The Internet is forever.

TGNP: Don’t say that too loudly.

Al: I will type more quietly. What kind of limitations do you set on what he can do on computers/devices, time-wise and content-wise?

TGNP: He’s not allowed to watch ANY videos without supervision. He’s only allowed to play his games for short periods of time and then he has to turn it off and do something else. It’s really easy for him to get focused on it and totally tune out. But that also means that when he gets older, he and I are going to geek out on games together.

Al: Just as I and my family members geeked out as a nuclear unit on our Pong clone. The more things change–from the 70s, at least–the more they stay the same.

What sort of skills do you notice in him that you did not have at that age? Have you had any “Holy crap on a cracker–how in the flying Walendas did he do THAT?” kind of moments?

TGNP: Oh definitely! He picked up on how to navigate the iPad VERY quickly, at around 3 and a half. And he remembers EVERYTHING.When my sister and I were kids, our Dad made up a song about our phone number so we could remember it if we were ever lost and needed it. It was only 4 lines–

Al: I think it was you who answered the phone when I dialed 867-5309 back in ’86.

TGNP: Recently, I changed the wording to rhyme with my phone number and sang it a few times for my son one afternoon. Several days later, he just busted out singing it randomly, word for word. Totally freaked me out.

Al: Ten years from now, he’s going to quote stuff you’ve told him in these halcyon days, and you will be so screwed.

TGNP: I’m looking forward to telling him one day that I’m older than the internet.

– END, for now –

Yee haw.

When last we spoke with Arkansas native Brad Poynter, he told us about all the cool guns he owns.

tubgoat neither advocates nor condemns gun ownership. What it does advocate, however, is artistry and creativity in all its forms. For those who disagree with the NRA’s interpretation of the Second Amendment, put aside your preconceptions of the paranoid gun nut for a few minutes and consider this: Brad does not use his superpowers to take life. He uses them to create works of artistry and whimsy.

FAMILY MAN

Al: Thousands of comedy fans love you for your gun-related hijinx. Do you have an alter ego?

Brad: By day I am a mild mannered IT guy for a software development company. By night I am working to become a modern day renaissance man, sans all the sculpting and painting.

Al: Is there a missus? Young ‘uns?

Brad: I have been married for 15 years and I have three beautiful and intelligent daughters aged 10, 12, and 14. Kid Bragging moment: My 12 year old got to take the ACT early and made a 19. I am very proud.

Al: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Let’s talk about guns. Of all the firearms you own, which is most dear to your heart?

Brad: The over and under is my favorite, for sure. It was my Grandpa’s–my first real gun, so it means a lot to me… and it’s a very effective small game rifle, should it ever comes to that. The bullets are cheap and plentiful, so I am using it to teach my daughters to shoot.

Al: Of course you are. …How’s the wife with all that?

Brad: She is cool with my small collection. If things were better financially, I think she would probably be okay with me filling up a gun safe or two.

Al: Does she ever join you and the kids, like on a family turkey shoot or fox hunt?

When there is no more room in hell, the dead will be sent to Brad.

Brad: We shoot together on rare occasions.

Al: Including your stunts for ZUG?

Brad: She usually just tries to stay out of my way on experiment weekends, but she will lend a hand if she is worried that I am going to blow myself up or set the house on fire. Otherwise, she just waits to see the end results, although she was really unhappy with me for a while after I shot the Bible and didn’t even giggle at the end of the video when I got struck by lightning. It was totally worth it.

THE RIGHT TO DIE

Al: God does not have a sense of humor. We all learned that from Sunday school. So you mean to tell me that with all that firepower, there haven’t been any fatalities?

Brad: I have never had anything go so wrong that anyone got maimed or anything. Despite how much I make light of the safety procedures in my articles, I put a ton of planning and preparation into making sure that even if things don’t go as expected it’s not going to literally blow up in my face.

 Al: What is the worst thing that has happened thus far? I phrase it thusly because I hope to hear of something spectacularly boomific someday soon.

Brad: The most out of hand anything ever got was when I almost burned down the field in the exploding microwave experiment. That was one of the early ones and my supposedly thorough planning didn’t account for the fact that it would keep burning after the explosion. You live, you learn, you buy a fire extinguisher.

Al: Wuss.

"Yew shall not pass."

Brad Poynter is a hick. Even if he didn’t use the word to describe himself, I would. He’s not one of those “squeal like a pig,” or “the gubmint’s gonna shut down mah still” kind of hicks–he just happened to grow up in the sticks and he’s proud of it. He’s also proud of his guns; he’s got lots of them, and he ain’t afraid to shoot them.

So what’s a gun-crazy hick doing on tubgoat? I’ll tell yew whut: Few gun owners justify the possession of firearms like Brad does. He doesn’t hunt (not like I have a problem with hunting, but hunting isn’t all that special in and of itself), he doesn’t go around screaming that Obama’s gonna take away all his toys, and he doesn’t rescue space princesses from evil empires.

What Brad does do is shoot things in an entertaining manner. Before you read past this paragraph, check out some of Brad’s comedy articles on ZUG.com. If you only have time for one, make it the one entitled Can the Twilight Saga Stop a Bullet?

…

Now that you fully realize why I’ve enthusiastically invited Brad into the tubgoat pantheon, you may proceed.

Al: When were you first exposed to guns? Who exposed you to them?

Brad: There were always guns in the house as I was growing up, just like every other household here in the hills of Arkansas. My dad taught me a deep respect for them from a very early age and gave me my first BB gun when I was 6 or 7, then a pellet gun when I was about 10.

 Al: Describe your first experience shooting a gun. What did it do for you?

Brad: The first time I shot a real gun, my dad took me out in the yard and we shot my grandpa’s .22-410 Over-and-Under that I later got for my 12th birthday (and still shoot regularly). The best part of the experience was the first time I actually hit what I was shooting at because I had figured out how to aim instead of just getting lucky.

Al: What was the worst part of that experience?

Brad: Shooting the 410. It had a little recoil and was too loud. I was scared to shoot anything other than a .22 for a long time.

 Al: Aww. How cute! You’ve mentioned on ZUG that you don’t hunt, but have you ever killed anything?

Brad: My brother took me out squirrel hunting for the first time to show me the ropes. There was this big one sitting out in the middle of a limb about 30 feet up, so I shot the .22 round in the top barrel, but missed. The squirrel took off up the tree but I remembered what my dad had shown me, so I switched over to the 410, led him a little, and pulled the trigger.

Al: Aww. How kee-yoot! Do go on.

Brad: The coolest part was the way the poor little bugger flew off the tree like someone had grabbed his foot and flung him spinning through the air. However, after that brief moment of joy and excitement that I had hit what I was shooting at, it made me really sad that I had just taken its life.

Brad can even make a girl's gun look badass.

Al: Bummer.

Brad: I wasn’t grossed out by the mangled body that much–it was just the fact that I had killed this little guy for no other reason than to see if I could. We couldn’t even eat him because I had used the shotgun and no one wanted to pick the shot out.

 Al: Was that your last kill?

Brad: After that I decided that I would only kill something if I absolutely had to for survival. I haven’t gone hunting since. My brothers thought I was a big puss, but my dad was a lot more understanding. I guess it was enough for him that I knew that I could do it if I had to.

Al: So how did you fall in love with guns again?

Brad: About 10 years ago now, we found out my dad had third stage liver cancer. So I moved the family back to Arkansas to help my mother out. Shortly afterwards, my dad passed and I couldn’t find a job, so I started going out in the field and shooting targets to pass the time.

When I finally found a job, one of the guys there had a huge gun collection and needed a place to shoot them so I invited him down to the house. We shot a ton of large caliber rifles and handguns and I found that I really enjoyed the challenge of it. Turns out I am a pretty good shot with just about anything I pick up.

 Al: You’re the real life Hawkeye. I’d pay real money to see you take out a room full of bad guys by ripping out your own fingernails and flicking them through their jugulars. But that’s a little more work than using a gun. What’s currently in your collection?

Brad: Let’s see… There’s the AK, the Over-and-Under, the 9 shot .22 revolver, a Ruger 10-22 carbine, and an old bolt action .22 rifle that was my grandpa’s. That’s 5 total. I will be purchasing a Judge later this month if I can convince the wife that I need it.

Al: Then you can stalk the woods telling every critter you see, “I am the LAW.”

This is not the end of my discussions with Brad. I can’t be the only one who wants to know what he would bring to the zombie apocalypse.

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." -- Gene Hill

We adopted a puppy nine days ago. Every member of the family has wanted a dog for years–my eight year old asked “When are we getting a dog?” every single day for four years, and I never told her to stop because I asked myself the same thing–but circumstances have only just allowed it.

The last time I lived in a home with a dog was when I was a teenager. I remember ol’ Solo (named, of course, after a certain Corellian smuggler) chewing up my favorite Chess King jacket, so you can take a guess as to how old I am. If this new dog gets into my stuff and chews up my skinny keyboard tie and parachute pants, my connection to the past will be lost. I will be thrust into the 21st century, exchanging my Cavariccis for Lucky jeans and my checkered Vans for Uggs.

Our puppy is a 4 month old Royal Bahamian Potcake rescue. This is a recognized breed, but only in the Bahamas. Since I believe that the idea of purebreeding dogs is inhumane*, I recognize our dog as a mutt. Mutts are strong. Mutts are survivors. Mutts are the future of the canine race.

After two years of working from home, with a social life dependent on wifi and elementary school functions, I’m finally making eye contact with human beings again. I had no idea that the dog park was the place to meet people; nothing like picking up a steaming pile of poo with a baggie to break the ice.

Unlike with other parents, the dog people and I speak of things other than standardized tests or playdates–the latter of which is a concept I adore, but a word I despise. I don’t have any problems driving my minivan anywhere or any time, but every time another parent and I arrange a time and place for our kids to wreck toys and swap germs, and I find myself saying that word, I feel the need to hop in a TARDIS and apologize to my Chess King-wearing past self.

I can’t complain, though. Life is good: I have a family that adores me, work that I love, and even if I end up wearing Uggs, I can count on the mutt to shred them.

*At least when it comes to breeding them for arbitrary traits that have nothing to do with the continued well-being of the breed.

Chris and Pete. God is there, too, but got cropped out.

In part two, we talked a bunch about music and fans. In the final installment, we talk about God and music. Before proceeding, please leave behind any preconceived notions you may have regarding religious musicans.

Al: Do you decide as a group how much of your spiritual beliefs you will express on stage? Outside of the music itself, I mean.

Chris: Jim, want to tell him about the wet napkin?

Pete: I think we all want to be real people, and that is hard when the music is intense and spiritual. We are learning.

…I think Jim stepped out for a chai.

Chris pretty much carries the spiritual talking in the concerts. I throw in the odd story, but there is no set delivery of spiritual matters

Al: It must be hard, too, when part of your music comes from centuries-old tradition and there is a need to honor all that. I would think that there you are compelled to balance that respect with trying to be more of yourselves onstage.

Pete: That’s a good point. Sanctity and real life…how do they interact?

Al: In music! I sometimes feel bad for people of faith who don’t have a creative way to express that faith.

…I don’t mean that in a condescending way.

Have any of you ever had a listener express disappointment or negativity when they found out that the songs are about Jesus?

Pete: There are some people who want us to sing devotional songs to other Gods and they are somewhat disappointed when we respectfully tell them that we only sing songs to Jesus.

Chris: That’s mostly because they have absolutely loved the band, and imagine that it would be all that much better if the devotional focus would be where their heart lies. Say, Krishna or Ram for example.

Al: How many shows a year do you do in India? And how many elsewhere?

Chris: We don’t do many in India at all. The last time we were there was for the video shoot last September 1-15, and then we did three shows in Varanasi as a “thank you” to our hosts. Before that, it was January 2007, in Bangalore, Chennai and Hyderabad. There was one exception – a one of gig in Kolkatta a couple of years ago.

Al: The videos are stunning; professional and visually rich. What was your intention with them?

Chris: The original idea came from the fact that we had not professionally done music videos before. It developed from there when we realized our friend Ben Stamper had some amazing ideas for how to make music videos that were not cheezy in the band-persona kind of way, but really carried a message and a beauty that could be independent of the band’s persona all together.

Music without laughter is like a sitar with no strings.

Al: Did you make them with the intention of using them in some way to generate album sales? Artistic statements?

Pete: They were another way for people to connect with the music and hopefully get into the music, but also as standalone pieces of art.

Chris: Our hope was that they’d get massive YouTube hits. The first one is now up to 27,000. The idea of making a DVD and generating direct income came later. We’ve almost sold out of the first 1,000, so it turns out it was a good idea.

Al: How did your perception of the song change when you started to think of ways to express it visually?

Pete: I was trying to finish the musical side of things, so I will let Chris answer this.

Chris: Even now, I have a hard time separating the songs–when we perform them live–from the message of the videos. My intros to the songs speak almost more about the message of the videos than the direct message of the lyrics of the songs. The video images have really taken a pretty strong hold on me.

Al: Do you think about visuals when you compose music now?

Pete: We have not done any serious composing since doing the videos. It has been a busy touring year, but we hope to get back into it soon.

Al: Do y’all ever just rock out when you’re together with instruments? I know for a fact that Chris is a killer electric guitarist with chops to burn.

Chris: My killer electric guitar chops were deep cheeze-ass-80′s-spinal tap-esque. That was a long time ago, Al.

Al: Ah. Well, at the time, they were impressive.

Pete: We don’t rock out as much as we used to. Sometimes during soundcheck we will play around with musical ideas, but when we are on tour, we are usually driving or trying to get some sleep.

Chris: It has been very hard to just rock out, or jam together. I think as we get older, we’ve got to find specific times for that sort of thing, and have intentionality of composition behind it. We don’t live in the same city–or the same country–so just rocking out is a luxury we can’t afford.

Al: Speaking of cheese, I have seen your music labeled as “Christian Music,” but I can’t accept that. It’s too limiting.

Pete: That is truly a compliment!

 Al: I’m going to go all gushy fanboy here and declare that Aradhna’s music is the closest thing to a musical conversation with God.

Chris: That means a huge deal to me Al. Thanks,

Al: When life gets tough, sometimes I’ll sing “Hey Logo.” …Except I make up the words because I have no idea what “ee sookie day” means.

Chris: Perhaps you’ll have some ideas for how we can remarket “Deep Jale” – we only sell, like, five of those a year now!

Al: I’ll pray on that.

I never did find out about the thing with the wet napkin.

Self-portrait of the blogger.

I am Al Natanagara and this is my site. I am or have been a Writer, Journalist, Editor, Musician, Web Community Manager, Litigation Consultant, Criminal Investigator, Filmmaker, Artist, and Multimedia Developer*.

tubgoat features interviews with musicians, artists, Internet personalities, and the technologically inclined. There’s also some filler thrown in–the bloggy equivalent of meat by-products.

If you think you would make a good interview subject, or if you know of anyone who wants to talk about their stuff in a PG-13 online environment, please contact me. I am open to an embarrassing range of subject matter. No, I can’t pay you.

*Yes. I have done every one of these things for a living. I did not mention cashier, forklift driver, karate instructor, janitor, and library page so I could maintain some degree of humility.

Before she can work with the bodies, she must prove herself on latrine duty.

In part one, we learned what could make an ordinary human being want to devote her life to studying human remains. In part two, we compare the young Forensic Anthropologist to “Bones.” Because no one has probably ever said that to her before.

Al: I have shown great restraint in not mentioning “Bones.“

Kelsey: Everyone calls me “Bones” or immediately equates me with her …which i don’t mind–it would be my dream job.

Al: At the ME’s office, how long did it take you to get used to dealing with dead people? What was the hardest thing to get over?

Kelsey: Well, bones are different from dead people. They’re less personal and less obviously “HUMAN!”

Al: And you can only make soup from them. No casseroles or fajitas.

Kelsey: It’s hard to get over that bodies aren’t scary, but they’re just there. They might be gross to look at, but they’re not going to do anything to you.

Al: Did you have any epiphanies about the human body while you were rooting around in them?

Kelsey: Only that the human body is a sweet sweet machine

Al: Not even something like, “Damn. Look at that poor bastard. I’d best take care of my spleen?”

Kelsey: Nah. I take really good care of myself in general.

I have seen smokers’ lungs though. Those are nice

Al: They could be crawling with zombie blood worms and it wouldn’t discourage a smoker from sucking on that next lung dart.

Kelsey: Truth.

I’ve seen some really disgustingly fat people, old people with gross bed sores, and stuff like that.

Al: Mm mm good. Mm mm good. That’s what gross bed sores are, mm mm good.

What was the most important thing you learned, relative to forensic anthropology?

Watch out for the tomb full of snakes.

Kelsey: Umm… I dunno

Actually, that’s not true. I learned this one method of determining male/female or black/white that is extremely accurate, just by using the end of the femur.

Al: Is it something you can easily explain? My readers like a good party trick.

Kelsey: Hahaha, wait–

…am i actually being interviewed here?

Al: Absolutely. And by typing in everything you’ve already typed, you agree to let my publish it all.

Kelsey: Then, yeah, I suppose so.

You measure the notch height between the distal condyles of the femur–essentially, the end of the femur that joins with the tibia to make the knee. Those two bumpy bits look kind of like this, __l–l__, where the bumpy parts are the _

__

Stupid auto correct thing.

Al: Life would be so much simpler if the human condition could be reduced to a few lines of ASCII.

Kelsey: If you measure the l–l part from the top to bottom, the height tells you if it’s male or female or black or white.

Sorry, that’s not very clear

(link to something that may or may not make this clearer)

So what made you want to interview me?

Al: I looked at the list of people who were online, and you were the one with the most interesting interest. I mean, who wants to read about Nutbutter’s* work in IT?

Kelsey: Fair enough

–end chat–

* Nutbutter’s work in IT really is interesting, despite his otherwise dull personality.

All the bloat, with zero cost!

Quick App Review: OnLive Desktop

Get a Windows 7 desktop on your iPad, with cloud-enabled MS Office. I’ve only been playing around with it for a few days, but it’s already clear that this is an important productivity tool for anyone who either has to use Office or needs the advanced features. Bonus: It’s free.

Stop looking at me.

I’m against SOPA, and not just because Huffington Post said I should be or because I dislike Spanish or Mexican soups. On the contrary, I am a huge fan of menudo (the sopa, not the band, though some of those melodies were quite catchy), with its spicy blend of barnyard goodies.

SOPA the bill and its evil stepsister PIPA have the potential to stop anyone from speaking their mind online. This time, it’s not just racist shock jocks, tinfoil-topped conspiracy theorists, and corporate satirists who face the gavel of the civil magistrate; bloggers, writers, and even anyone who posts a comment on a Web site could end up on the wrong end of a lawsuit just for linking to a company’s site.

The wording of the bills makes it seem as though it were written by an old man who can’t program the VCR and thinks cellphones are the debbil, and that lack (hatred?) of proper technical terminology opens the bills up to interpretations that could turn the Interwebs into a corporate-approved forum of limited speech, with the threat of litigation weighing down every word.

Here’s some information on what these bills are and what good people can do to prevent them from becoming law:

• Electronic Frontier Foundation
• Stop American Censorship
• Fight for the Future
• A plea from WordPress.org

Chris and Pete modeling the latest in neckwear.

Eastern Harmony.

In part 1, we learned that Jesus prefers the music of Hindus. In part 2, the members of Aradhna dissect the creative process.

Al: A question for all of you: What are the two biggest differences between Indian music and the types of Western music incorporated in Aradhna–and in musical terms, where do the two converge?

Chris: In Indian classical music, strictly speaking, you have melody and rhythm and then a drone underneath the whole thing with no harmony. With Pete showing up on guitar, he completely reinterprets both the melodies and rhythms that are introduced to him from India, hearing them from his own perspective, and creating something utterly new–a true fusion.

Al: How much of that fusion is a conscious process during composition, and how much of it is just letting ideas flow and putting your minds and instruments together?

Pete: Most of it comes out of experimenting with different moods on the guitar. A completely major sounding melody can be put to a minor chord progression and it completely changes the feel. There are a lot of false starts and going back to the beginning to try it again

Al: Are you talking about the group, or just you?

Pete: When Chris and I compose.

Al: Have you discarded ideas because they were either too Western or too Eastern?

Pete: I don’t think so. We mainly discard stuff because it is not working out, or one of us is dissatisfied with it.

Chris: I wouldn’t say that is the criteria. It just has to sound really good to our ears, and our ears embrace a large variety of music and also reject a lot of styles as unappealing.

Al: Are you saying that you make the music for your own ears, regardless of audience requests, feedback, or the will of Landru?

Chris: If Pete plays a chord that sounds too much like we’re about to kick into an Indian jazz standard loosely based on a raga, it gets rejected by both of us, even before he’s had time to think of the next chord.

Al: I’m trying to imagine Chris being dissatisfied with something Pete has done. I can’t do it.

Pete: That is very kind

Al: I mean, I can imagine him not being happy, I just can’t imagine him expressing a negative feeling. Sorry, Pete.

Pete: He is getting better at that

Al: Have you ever seen Chris get angry?

Chris: I’ve been working real hard to express my displeasure of late. Even Jim’s been tasting it. Everyone’s rubbing off on me. It’s a good thing.

Al: Glad to hear it. And I’m glad it’s now and not back when we were at Berklee. Because by all rights, you should have kicked my ass a hundred times over. I was such a dick.

The musical interplay between you all is both intense; it flows almost supernaturally. How does the intensity of the music carry over into your personal relationships? When the show is over, do you ascend to a higher plane, or are y’all just regulah guys?

Pete: Incredibly regular.

Chris: Since Jim showed up, yes.

I think one thing we learned, maybe two years ago now, was that on stage, we needed to bring more of that reality, so we introduced a little banter in between songs–to lighten things up. It was all getting so intense that folks were not even sure if they should applaud between songs.

In the final chapter, we enter the realm of the spiritual.